The Essence Of Who I Am

The Birth Story of Rhythm Cole

Trigger Warning: Birth Trauma and emergency C-section 

My water broke at 8pm on July 28th right after I had an acupuncture appointment. This was my second appointment in 2 days because I was desperate to go into labor as if I didn’t in one day i would have to go to the hospital to be induced as I would have been 42 weeks. And it is illegal for a midwife to deliver a baby in California after that. I felt like I had tried everything. Including castor oil which I threw up all over the floor a day before. 

I had been having Braxton hicks all day but nothing really painful or too close together until I was at the appointment. I got home and decided to just rest and i wasn’t even going to time my Braxton hicks but river thought it was a good idea. So I was sitting on the couch watching tv and timing contractions when all of a sudden a contraction started and my water bag snapped. It startled me so much I jumped off of the couch. Water was dripping down my leg and I ran into the spare room where River was online with some friends. My water broke, I exclaimed.

 I saw the excitement and happiness in his voice when he told his friends he had to go. We were both ecstatic because this meant we didn’t have to go to the hospital to be induced Saturday. River called our midwife and she was so happy for us and told us to keep her updated since my contractions were still 7 to 8 minutes apart. She recommended that I get in the shower until my bag of water was mostly drained, which was about 30 minutes. And try to get some sleep. 

The contractions were not really painful so around 10 we went to bed and tried to sleep through the night. Unfortunately they started to get painful enough for me not to be able to and I kept waking up every time a contraction came.  At around 2am i just got up and went into the living room and bounced on my ball.

At 3am I texted the midwife and told her I couldn’t sleep and the contractions were still between 6 and 7 minutes apart. She told me that i could come in and get some nitrous gas if I thought that would help. I told her I would keep her updated. 

 Finally at 4am I got River up. He talked to the midwife and finally my contractions got to 5 to 6 minutes apart and at 8am Friday the 29th we headed to the birth center. At this point I was still doing ok and excited we were going to the birth center but also already tired from not sleeping all night. Once we got there she noted my contractions were still 5 minutes to 8 minutes apart and she didn’t think I was progressing. 

My mom had warned me that her contractions were always super sporadic as well and so were mine. But my midwife wasn’t sure that I was progressing with how they were. 

Once we got to the center I tried to get comfortable but soon I found out that unfortunately standing was the most comfortable position for me to be in. The contractions were still the same but now there was some back pain and also a sharp pelvic pain started to appear. My legs and feet hurt so bad after a few hours of standing. Doing some research I found out that I was having Symphysis pubis dysfunction. Which started giving me horrible pelvic pain during contractions.  

I decided I wanted to try and get some more sleep and so my midwife gave me some Benadryl and me and River rested in bed. She wanted me to sleep with a peanut ball between my legs but having my legs apart made the pain worse. Every contraction still woke me up and I started being very vocal during them which surprised me since I was such a quiet person. But that pelvic pain almost gave me no choice. So poor River wasn’t able to sleep well either. 

After an hour I got up and we tried using the shower. I was having some back pain and River would press on my back and that helped a lot. But the worst part was the pelvic pain I was having. It felt like his head was being squeezed around my pelvis and it was excruciating.  About mid afternoon she checked me and I was about 5 centimeters which was great since my contractions still were not as close together as they should have been to be dilating but I was anyway. At this point we were excited because it didn’t seem to matter that my contractions weren’t as close as they should have been.. Before I went into labor I was 2 centimeters dilated. 

Around 4pm River’s mom came to relieve River and he was able to sleep some more. I also decided to try using nitrous Gas as a pain reliever and that helped take some of the edge off of the contractions but unfortunately it did nothing for the pelvic pain. I also decided to try to use the tub, but it didn’t help as much as I had hoped.  The thing that helped the most was River pushing into my back during each contraction and he wasn’t able to in the tub. It honestly scared me how much pain I was in. I I felt betrayed by every home birth video I saw. The calm, the slow breathing during the contractions.. I wasn’t screaming to help relieve the pain, I was screaming because I couldn’t stop myself. The pain I felt was all in my pelvis. Honestly the back and stomach contractions were not bad at all. Definitely with using the natural pain relievers. This is when I was starting to worry something was wrong. The pain was getting to me and I wanted it to stop. 

Finally around 8pm my midwife checked me again and I was at 7 centimeters. At this point I was extremely discouraged and even though I was so close it felt so far. I hadn’t slept in 24 hours and she estimated that I might not give birth until the morning. She was also slightly concerned that his head might be stuck but unfortunately wouldn’t be able to tell until later. I felt so done. I just wanted to give birth and be done with the pain. This was all so much harder than I thought it would be and I was also worried something was wrong and that was why the pelvic pain was so bad. 

She looked at me and River and asked what we wanted to do. 

Her and Rivers’ mom gave us the room and me and River held each other and Cried, tired and discouraged. I told him that I thought we should go to the hospital and that I couldn’t do this. I told him that I didn’t think I could make it another 6 hours.. And I was worried that something was wrong. 

He told me that I could do this and I was being so strong. And I would be disappointed if I didn’t try. But then he started to voice his fear. He told me he didn’t want to have to take me to the hospital because he wasn’t sure how to support me there. Hospitals had always been a sad place for him and he always had a hard time going to them. 

If only My mom could come with us he said. I nodded in agreement. We felt so scared and alone.  

We had Rivers’ mom come in and talk to us as well on what to do. She told us that we should do whatever felt right and we could always change our minds. She told me that maybe I should just try to get through the next hour or two and see how things went. I liked that plan and we decided to just take it hour by hour. 

After crying and getting my emotions out I felt so much better.  

I got a second wind and started using my breathing exercises I had learned. I stopped yelling during the contractions and we found a good use of a door to help me through the contractions. I started trying to squat even though it was excruciating. We thought that this was it! Especially when I started getting nauseous. Everyone thought that I was in transition! 

We will check you and then I’ll most likely call my helpers and we will get ready to have this baby my midwife said happily! 

I was so excited and exhausted. I finally had hope again. 

I had labored for another 3 hours by this point and it was almost 11pm. Everyone held their breath as she did the cervical check… 

You are still at 7 centimeters she said after what seemed like an eternity. 

It was like a bomb had been dropped. I wanted to scream and cry but had no time to think.. Everything became a blur. My midwife quickly explained that most likely my body needed pitocin which was at the hospital and then there was also the small possibility that there was another reason I was stalled at 7 centimeters for 4 hours. So around 12am me and River went to the hospital. This time there wasn’t a discussion. River was super freaked out and scared. Unfortunately because of covid protocols my midwife, doula or Rivers mom were not allowed into the hospital with us. River was not even allowed to leave the hospital once they checked us in or they wouldn’t let him back in. We went in through the ER and I screamed through contractions as they checked me in. Rivers’ mom stayed with us until it was time for us to go to the delivery floor. 

Me and River went through hall after hall and finally we reached some huge doors. 

You can’t come in until we get her settled the nurse told River. 

We both stood there stunned and I was wheeled through the doors. They got me on a table and a nurse asked me a bunch of questions through my contractions. 

I was so tired and in so much pain at this point I couldn’t function. People came all around and took vitals, drew my blood and tried not to look at me during contractions. 

Then the doctor came in to talk to me. This was while I was having contractions every 4 minutes now. I immediately disliked him. He came over and started looking at my charts and not at me. Then he told me he was going to do a cervical exam. He was very rough, not at all gentle like my midwife was. Stop moving he said harshly as I was in pain from his hand being very rough. 

It was at this moment that I think I knew how my birth would end. Honestly I think it was the moment we left the birth center. But it was the doctor that was the tipping point. 

You are 7 centimeters, he said. 

Muttering to himself he said so you have been stalled for almost 5 hours hours now at 7 centimeters.. He told me that I should have a c section now because of how long I was stalled and that it could be dangerous for my baby if I didn’t.  You are also 42 weeks he said.. as if that was wrong, along with your water having been broken for a while..  

He then pushed on my stomach and said you are having a 9 pound baby and you are small.   Your baby is probably stuck or will get stuck.Your baby might get Shoulder dystocia. Which could lead to his arms being broken and lead to brain damage. 

 Even though I knew better from my own research I started to panic and worry about my baby. But I took a deep breath and then I told him that I wanted to try and push my baby out still because deep down I knew that my baby wasn’t 9lbs and even if he was that I could still push him out. 

After some arguing he gave me 3 hours to progress to 10 centimeters. I told him ok but that I wanted an epidural and pitocin as my midwife recommended.

Just then the nurse walked in and said that the only person able to do the epidural just went in for a c section and wouldn’t be able to give me one for over an hour. 

And that Rhythms heart rate was too low to give me any other kind of pain medication. 

He said ok and then abruptly left. 

I think I would have just started crying if River wasn’t finally able to be let in the room. 

They then tested me for covid and then started moving us to a birthing room.

I was introduced to a new nurse there who hooked me up to a lot of monitors.

 I asked if I could labor standing up until the epidural and the nurse said of course. I labored there for another hour not being able to even have water because of the possible c section. 

Finally I was able to get the epidural. 

The anesthesiologist was amazing and explained everything to me. The nurse even held me during a contraction so I wouldn’t move for the epidural. 

With the epidural in the nurse put a peanut ball between my legs and we waited for the epidural to set in. 

I asked about the pitocin again and the nurse said she wanted the epidural to set in first.. the nurse was super nice and asked me why I wanted to have a birth center birth. I was expecting her to say something mean. I told her my mom had home births and she said that she actually had home births as well and was super supportive of me.  After about 20 minutes I was still in a lot of pain so they turned up the epidural and finally I couldn’t feel anything. Which was such a relief because I was so done with the pain and had anxiety that the epidural wouldn’t work. 

I was sleep deprived so as soon as I wasn’t in pain I was drifting to sleep. The nurse brought River some bedding and Me and River went to sleep finally. When I woke up I heard the nurse saying my contractions had slowed down so much that she was going to ask the doctor about pitocin. But then she came back a few minutes later to check me and I was still at 7 centimeters.. She left again to tell the doctor. 

I didn’t know what time it was but I knew my time was up. I was too tired to be upset and more confused because I didn’t think they had even given me pitocin. My midwife had said that 3 hours would have been plenty of time for the pitocin to get me dilated all the way.

 The rest was a blur, the nurse came in and told me that she was going to get me ready for the c section. I only have snapshots of what happened next. Me telling River I was getting a c-section.  Getting the hospital gown put on. So many people were in the room rushing around. River putting his gown on, taking my earrings out. Being wheeled down hall after hall. Being put on the surgery table. , my arms being strapped down. I honestly don’t even remember River being there next to me. The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist asking if I could feel anything and I said yes because I could feel the sharp pricks. 

Then the next thing I remember was River standing next to me holding a baby. Our baby. I remember being confused because it had felt like seconds had passed and yet here was my baby. I was also confused because my face mask was gone. River said they put a gas mask on my face during the surgery and that’s why I don’t remember it. I still hadn’t seen my baby’s face. Then I blacked out again.  My memory started doing snapshots again. My baby was then placed on my chest. Then more wheeling down halls. Then back in the birthing room. Apparently the anesthesiologist came in to check on me but I have no memory of that. Apparently I told him that I was doing well but had no memory of the surgery. He said that was normal.

 I found out all of this later from River. Every day I ask River questions about what happened during that time I can’t remember. And I mourn that as well because I have No memory of River holding my hand during the surgery. No memory of hearing Rhythm cry for the first time. No memory of River seeing him for the first time. No memory of River cutting the cord or putting on the first diaper. 

They took us back to the delivery room and my memory started to stay after that. They did a few tests of rhythm and I was happy because they asked me if I wanted the vitamin K and I said yes and they asked if I wanted the eye cream on him and I said no. And another nurse asked if I wanted to give him a bath and I said no. The research I had done had paid off and they also were asking me instead of just doing things to my baby. 

They then laid him back on me for skin to skin.  I remember seeing his face finally. A nurse helped him latch onto my breast to nurse and I took a picture of him for the first time. 

Finally they took us to our postpartum room. At this point I was so happy. I had my baby, the pain and labor was finally over. We were all safe and healthy. And the sun was coming up and the world was alive and well. People came in and out but me and Rhythm slept. Everything was OK again. Every single nurse we had was amazing and really kind. I was able to get up to walk around that evening. And then the next day we were able to come home. 

I have cried many times thinking about how my dream labor was smashed to pieces. How many years I’d dreamed of being able to have a natural water birth and push out my baby. But I also try to stay positive and see the happy side of things. I’m not going to say all that matters is that I have a healthy baby. Because I matter too. Because my birth Story matters. No matter how good or bad. My trauma and disappointment matter.

We are so thankful for our healthy baby boy. And I am so thankful that my surgery went so well and that healing has been amazing. I am so proud of myself being in labor for over 30 hours without an epidural and still ending up having a c section. I am so proud of myself for 

Doing so much research beforehand and finding a midwife and birth center. Even though things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, I know that God had a reason for what happened. Those first 2 weeks Postpartum were very hard on me and I’m so glad that I am finally doing better and feel happy. I believe that my birth experience gave me a lot of that postpartum anxiety and depression. And I believe that is a lot of womens cases but just don’t realize it. 

And there is still so much hope! Me and River are already talking about having a home birth after cesarean for our next baby. I know it will be a lot of more work and research but I know we can do it! 

I think one of the most beautiful things that has come out of this is all of the women who have heard my story and then told me they had an emergency c section too. The support and encouragement they gave me along with understanding has been so comforting. I hope my story might give some people that as well.