The Essence Of Who I Am

Its been a year since my son was in the hospital.

Since the night he almost died, it feels like a dream. The only time I saw a vision of Jesus listening to my son’s breathing.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, i really don’t want to writing this. But i’m hoping that if i do write this the trauma anniversary wont haunt me as much. It will leak out all the anger inside of me.

The doctors weren’t sure if he would make it. One stayed 4 hours past his shift before he went home. He called that next morning to say he hadn’t slept all night, and wanted to know how he was.

He was 100 percent on oxygen. The funny thing is, if you can all it funny, is that i knew he wasn’t going to die. It wasn’t even a question in my mind. I mean my fear whenever I wasn’t with him turned to intrusive thoughts but that was expected. they wouldn’t even let more then one person in with me when we first took him to the emergency room. I didn’t like the first doctor we met but it was only because she was thinking. She wasn’t talking to me. She is the one who said he needed to be helicoptered to Santa Barbara. Later we were told that if anyone could save him it was here and in a way she did having him taken to a place that had better equipment.

In a way I way relieved when they told me I couldn’t go with him. Because i got to see my husband and have him there with me. We listened to worship music the whole way, i never ran out of tears over the 2 hour drive.

When we arrived 2 hours of torture before sleep tried to take me. And i let it, restlessly. Everyone was so nice mostly. the first nurse we had was amazing. she told us that the doctor we would have was young and still learning. He had bright red hair but i liked him because he said we could finally give him some milk because i was nursing. He said my baby was getting enough nutrients from the IV’s but that it was more for me. Which i thought was good. Because he actually trusted my motherly intuition.

Once the shock wore off a little, me and my husband started to try and smile. We found the food there was strangely phenominal. They served steak and lobster if you can find that believeable. It was a very fancy place. The walls were filled with so so so many donors, trying to save all the kids with cancer. We watched some kids arrive in that ICU with no parents in sight and that broke our heart in a different way. Thankfully with the three of us Rhythm was never alone for a minute.

Finally he got well enough to leave the ICU. My feet were tired from standing all the time because that was the only way i could see him. The bed was so tall. But i was just happy to see it wheeled to a general room.

We had social workers come to talk to us about money, we were broke as could be. But i cried seeing how many friends and family rally around us. One of River’s cousins even came to see us an hour away. She took us to the store to get new clothes because i had been wearing the same thing for 3 days. My brain couldn’t even comperhend we were in a town and could leave to get things. We also went to the store to get medicine for me. I was still sick with the dreaded RSV. But I didn’t matter. and my body sure wasn’t going to get better before my baby.

Thank God i had seen a women post a video of when to take her child to the er with his breathing. That probably saved my baby. I would never call Social media a savior but in that situation it was sure saving.

Finally the days started to clear. Talk of leaving the hospital became reality and that was so good to hear. My baby started to eat and had his last round of antibiotics. Yet in my head the celebration of home was no where. We didn’t have a home since our house flooded 2 months earlier. we were living with family and that lack of control to keep my son save again was haunting. But we sure celebrated when we took him home after 5 days. Everyone said i still looked dead inside but that was better then the alternative. I tried to be grateful everyday but it was so hard to be honest. But that is really what got me through that pain. Even though 15 minutes away from our home our car broke down and River took it to the shop and said the cost would be over 3000. Then the rain ruined more of our stuff outside that the flood hadn’t already ruined. I broke my toe that night tripping over a game. We had no home, no money and no hope on the horizon. And even when my son got sick again a week after. We at least had a nebulizer. We were all ok I guess but I don’t know how i made it through that month of febuary. But somehow I am here writing this a year later. Happier then ever, my son in the yard playing. A bank account with savings. A wonderful home and prospects of buying a new one. And i think i just have to be grateful for everything. For taking my son to the hospital when we did. The excelent care and insurence. The cottage they let us stay in next to the hospital. The family and friends who helped us financially and also with prayers. And even letting us stay in their homes. And mostly for my son being ok in the end. And thankful he will never remember what we do.

-Marciella